[Ian]
Yo Ninja Lukas!
You see that high schooler over there getting pushed around?
This looks like a job for the Cool Patrol!

Hey kid (Yo!)
You're getting picked on in school
The other boys (Huh!)
They say you just ain't cool
Well that's bullshit! (Yeah!!)
We're gonna teach you the rules
Those motherfuckers ain't gonna bother you no more

[Ian & Lukas]
We are the bad boys (oh!)
from the tough side of town
We are the cool patrol (woo!)
we'll turn your life around
Those bullies (aw shit)
their ass is done for now
We're gonna show you how!
So fuckin' listen y'all! First:

[Lukas]
You put your hands in the air
And you jump off the ground
And then you take that funky butt and you shake it all around
And lightly jog in place and then crank it up to a prance
This is the cool patrol dance

Now put your hands in your pockets
And take them right back out
Then spin around in a circle and make an animal sound (moo)
Then glide into the sprinkler like you're gonna water the plants
This is the cool patrol dance

[Ian & Lukas]
Yippee!

[Ian]
You get all that kid?

[Lukas]
That wasn't actually very helpful
That was... more like an instructional dance

[Ian]
Hell yeah!

Motherfuckin' bullies better watch their ass
You're sending all them shits a message
there's a new king in class
When they see you
they're gonna freak out and piss their pants

[Ian & Lukas]
They are your bitches!
They are your bitches because

[Lukas]
You put your hands in the air
And then stick out your rear end
And then you wiggle it real hard
and you hug your closest friend
And then you wildly remove your clothes and tearaway pants
This is the cool patrol dance

Now rub the peanut butter on you
From your head to your feet
And cover up your nudity with different cheeses and meats
Then slap a camel because this could be your only chance
This is the cool patrol dance

[Lukas]
Cool break!

[Ian & Lukas]
Alright!

[Lukas]
This is cool!
(cough cough)

[Ian]
Gesundheit!

[Lukas]
Thank you

[Ian]
Hey I have an idea!

[Ian & Lukas]
Let's kick it! Woo!

[Lukas]
Two-second drum solo, GO!

[Ian & Lukas]
(drum noises)

You put your hands in the air
And grab a bird from the sky
And eat it whole so that you may absorb its power of flight
Now you can also dive bomb fish because your vision's enhanced
This is the cool patrol dance

You're basically a superhero now
So throw some cars
Then rub your magnum thighs together and set fire to mars
Now harness all your sexy fury in a victory stance
This is the cool patrol dance!

[Ian]
Your training is complete
Now go show those fuckers who's boss!

[Lukas]
Okay! Hey guys, listen up
You put your hands in the a-

[Ian]
Oh god!
I think he- I think he might be dead!
Nope- no, he's twitching a little-
No... no that's-
That's post-mortem twitching, that's...
That's too much blood

Can we get like, a mop, or something to clean this up?
This is... this is a lot